Celebration of life scheduled for 4:45am, February 18, 2026 at Hypocrite Hall in downtown Fayetteville. Hypocrite Hall owners ask to please mind quiet hours, as the Hall was only available for such small gatherings outside business hours.
BREAKING: Fayetteville man found dead in own home after shoving a stick too far up his ass. Unconfirmed reports believe it to be Buccaneers owner Craftykoala, who loved updating the team's page with every detail, even keeping a player Hall of Fame.
BREAKING: Bud Blackwell is currently facing backlash for threatening to tar and feather a local beat writer for the Fayetteville Buccaneers. The threat came from his official account after he forgot to switch to his burner. Honest mistake.
News headlines? You think Piss Jug Man is real? You think Jeff Passan is reporting on the health of a fictional character in a universe where everyone's first and last name starts with B? It's just jokes. Relax.
BREAKING: Swamp Donkeys starting pitcher Eliseo Willis, 34, is being investigated by Franchise Ball LLC in accordance with the federal government for wire fraud conspiracy - aka throwing games - after starting off the season with a 10.80 ERA and .375
against. Willis is currently on year 3 of a 4 year deal, and Donx owner Piss Jug Man has sent him down to the Dominican Summer League as a form of timeout to think about his bad behavior. Willis' return is TBD.